Teamsiliconvalley - Sports Blog

Psychiatrist, Counselor and bits and pieces

November 30th, 2007

Been a few days since I blogged last. It's not that there hasn't been anything happening.. just that I haven't felt much like posting. Lots of little things going on, and trying to find the quiet space where my brain can settle down long enough to write is a bit of a challenge.

On the psychiatrist and counselor front: I have seen both this week. The psychiatrist on Monday where I had to inform her that I had stopped taking the clozapine on the Friday. I just couldn't handle the way it was zombifying me. I really thought I was gonna lose it - sleeping 12 to 16 hours a day is like asking the workaholic to stop working . . . I'm used to surviving on between 4 and 6 hours. But it was more than just the radical change in sleep - it truly was all the other side effects - the dizzy feelings, the rash. On the plus side of the drug, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel so pressured to have to come up with instant answers to everything. Maybe it's not really answers that I'm thinking of - it's more that when I'm trying to get something done, I didn't find myself stuck at step #2 because I found myself at a fork in the road and couldn't decide which road to take because I was could see all the future forks in both roads. (Does that make sense?)

So, the psychiatrist and I came to an agreement that I would now take a 1/4 of the pill. Funny damn thing that medication. She told me that some people are on mega doses and it doesn't phase them at all while others are like me - a 1/4 pill is all they can tolerate for a very long time. The flip side of all this medication juggling is she is reducing my lamictal. Up until our meeting on Monday I had not noticed any big difference, but I can now say that I am officially noticing a side effect - extreme irritability. Perhaps it was just one of those days (the dog got out of the yard, the cat knocked over a bucket with three litres of water, I knocked over a coke,) but all the little things that went wrong made me wanna run into the backyard and beat the crap out of the closest immovable and unfeeling object. Ugh. We will be discussing this change when I see her on the 6th.

The counselor. Not much to report here. We talked some about my frustrating with making decisions. Yes, on a logical level I understand that depression affects our ability to make decisions, but I still feel stupid when looking at the most basic of things and not knowing what to do. Wish I could say the new drug had eliminated all of this .. heh .. but it hasn't. Case in point... we've received a lot of snow - I need to get my studded tires put on the car but I get stuck at the point of trying to phone to make an appointment to get the tires changed because I want to be able to plan out when the tires will go on the car. And, as I know there will be a lot of people trying to do the same, it's like I'm trying to figure out when a good time is to get this done - except there isn't a good time. I think my problem isn't over-processing here, but is related to the depression (making it hard to make decisions) and my agoraphobia (going out when I must means I feel the extreme need to have control over what happens and when it happens) - both of these issues are definitely challenged in getting my tires changed. Blah. Yeah. We talked about all this. I still have not phoned for that appointment.

My mood is a bit more elevated since the last time I saw her. Another beneficial side effect of the new drug I think. Not ruminating in thoughts I guess. Our conversation touched on many little things - what I do on the internet; what I might like to do for a hobby; the new puzzle I bought that hubby and I can put together . . . pretty much the little things that make the world go round.

Other bits and pieces . . .

Hubby: Hubby is finally getting some of the motion back in his wrist. Horay! His drop wrist is gone and now we are waiting for the nerve to regenerate a little more so he can get movement back in his fingers. He's a pretty happy camper and his upbeat mood has definitely helped mine out lots. For him, this improvement means everything, not just workwise, but hobby-wise too - he dabbles in remote control helicopters, and does very fine electronic work. He needs that fine motor movement to continue to do this stuff.

Karate: I'm back at karate after a brief hiatus. Between holidays and the rough patch I had (it was very rough.. probably rougher than I ever let on in this blog - even words don't always convey how hard things are) I missed a few classes. Now that I have returned I am quite pleased and feeling very good. At my class last night, I was witness to a rare event - six of our students achieved their black belts. This is some feat as in our style of karate it takes between 7 and 9 years to get to your black belt level - and to have six students at once.. wow! I only have another 3 to 5 years to go... if I'm lucky and dedicated.

Smoking: I'm still smoke-free. Yayyyyy! 12 weeks ... woohoo! My next challenge is trying to slowly eliminate the nicotine gum. I have been eating sunflower seeds a lot. Yum. Anything to try to cut down on the gum. I have noticed some very big benefits from quitting: no more stink; lots of money saved; more time for me for stuff I enjoy; less wheezy chest (I have asthma.)

Well.. that's it, that's all folks. Life in a nutshell at the moment.

Bye for now.

Entry Filed under: Sports